Ask Classy

Dear Classy,

            I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and now, and everything is great except for the fact he hates my Mom! I don’t know what to do... I feel like my mom has done nothing wrong, but he just seems to hate her.  He says that she’s too overprotective… but I mean she is my mom, and it’s not like I can just get rid of her.  I love her and him. What should I do?

- Mama’s Girl, 18, New York

Dear Mama’s Girl,

            First of all you are not a “mama’s girl”… you just love your mother and it’s hard for you, or for anyone to hear harsh things about their parents/family.  To me, I feel that family comes first. If your boyfriend truly respects you, he should respect your family too.  Your mother being too overprotective is not a reason to “hate” someone… either he is lying about the reason why he does not like her or he is just not that right one for you.  If you truly feel like you are soul mates, you can try to separate them as much as possible; such as when you are hanging out, you both can go to a private place, where it is just the two of you.  You can even check out our “5 Fun & Easy Dates” for some ideas.  But he does have to realize that if you two are going to stay together, he will eventually have to be around her.  That is on him to try and find a way to control his feelings towards your mom.   If you want to continue to make things work and grow closer, this is an issue that will defiantly need to be discussed.  You can try to see how the separation goes, and if it just gets worse over time, despite how much you love him; perhaps it is time to move on…

Much Love,

Classy

Fried Up Friends

Dealing with a friend whose morals and values are different than your own can be a major challenge, but it can also be handled in different ways that could, in time, make you grow as a person. There is probably going to be one or more friends in your life that are just never going to understand your point of view or the advice that you give. Everyone has differences, but depending on those differences, you should either keep holding on, or let go of that friendship. Just because you may have different interests, hobbies, or even dress differently, if you both accept each other for who you are, it is worth the friendship and can add a little spice to the relationship. We’re not saying if you’re the head cheerleader tomorrow you should go ahead and be best friend’s with the crackhead standing at the locker next to you… but there’s nothing wrong with saying “hello”. You have a choice, you can accept a friend for who they are or try and make a clean breakaway. You shouldn’t have to lower your standards for any friendship.

"The Rush."
Let’s face it, making friends isn’t always easy. When starting anything new, the pressure to make friends can be almost overwhelming. No one in life wants to be alone. Sometimes the thought can cause you to start a friendship with someone who isn’t the perfect match. Last thing you want is to destroy yourself to become something you’re not.

How is this a problem?
People see who you are friends with, and yes, if people don’t know you, they judge you based off your friends. If others see you with someone who is involved in drugs and alcohol, most likely they are going to assume you are too. This means you can be missing out on the people that are more your type because you were in a rush to start a friendship with someone not of the same interests and values as your own.

Story Time!
Yeung Ho I
When I started high school, I was terrified I would think about juvenile things like "What would people think of me?" ... "Would I have as good as a group of friends like I did in middle school?" and ... "Would it be easy to make friends?" But really the question I should have been asking myself was, "Would I find a true friend?" Instead I was in such a rush to just be comfortablee with someone and not feel alone.

I made a quick friend and although we connected and enjoyed each other’s company, I wasn’t staying true to myself. Our fun, the majority of the time, went against my better judgment, and of course my mother’s rules. Being freshmen in high school I did things I never would of when I was younger, like drinking on a golf course with two boys, we both didn’t know. (Now I know I know, that’s nothing compared to other girls, but honestly that’s not the point.) It’s not that I think drinking on the golf course is so bad ass; the point is that it’s not me.
Golfing was never my idea of fun…and neither was drinking, I knew I was doing things I didn’t want to do just to fit in (corny I know). The next morning my mother was furious. I was so drunk my brother said he thought I was high because I was sitting in my kitchen laughing my ass off at the computer screen... but nothing was on the screen. Even though that’s pretty funny, it’s also pretty scary that I didn't even remember being in my kitchen that night. I had to ask my friend what happened between me and one of the guys; I was so scared and ashamed about everything I did.
I knew my mom was let down, but more importantly I let myself down. Luckily, I didn’t do anything stupid with one of the guys, but the next day he texted asked if all four of us can hang out again. When I asked what he had in mind he said "the beach at night". I figured why not, it sounded like a cute idea and I could let him see the real me -- not the drunk skanky me. The plans slowly started to change.
Alcohol was brought up and sleeping out. Once I asked how we could even sleep on the beach because it closes at 8:00, he said it was no big deal and we could just sleep in the woods. The scary part was my friend was ok with it. Not only did I realize we didn’t know these guys well enough to do that, but the last thing I wanted my mother to watch on her Sunday morning news was a picture of my precious face and a reporter saying how "I slept in the woods with two boys, and after they had their fun with me, they threw my body into the ocean"
…okay maybe that’s an extreme thought, but c'mon, who would want to sleep in the woods anyways? I told my friend she was crazy and it was strange how our romantic plans quickly changed. We weren’t going to be cuddling on the beach watching a sunset with pinacoltas... let’s get real the guys wanted some ass.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if my friend didn’t have me there to spell it out for her. I spent most of my time in our friendship spelling things out for her... I thought I could change her, and thought maybe her morals and values could change to match mine... when really all I should have done was change my friends. I learned the hard way that you can’t change anyone if they don’t truly want to change themselves. I’m not saying you can’t have a friend with differences, but don’t lower your standards for a good friend to just have a lousy friend. Stay true to you, and making friends will happen naturally.

The Repair.
Remember when you are true to yourself; you are naturally happy no matter what. When you’re happy, others see that happiness and positive attitude, and want to be a part of that... which can start a real friendship.

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